INFJ. The Many Contradictions, Ironies, Dualities, and Paradoxes of the INFJ Personality Type. The Strengths and Weaknesses of INFJ's. Breaking down the Contradictions in Each Letter of I. N.F.J.

*NOTE: As I have mentioned before in posts, personality is ONE aspect of being human and your individual make up. Environment, upbringing, birth, health, trauma, life experience, mental or cognitive differences, genetics, beliefs, gender preferences, country of origin....there are so many aspects that make up YOU. However, I firmly believe finding your accurate personality helps you understand more of yourself and how you work. Take a free test HERE: http://www.16personalities.com - or sign up with an email and take test here http://www.personalityhacker.com/genius-personality-test/ (this site has amazing insight, podcasts and videos.) The key is to answer as you ARE and not as you would want to be like. Meyers Briggs/ Keirsey is what the 16 personalities is based on and has research behind it for a reason. It is more of a descriptor of what you value and how you work out of the world in regards to communication and relationships. I am speaking with authority about INFJ because I am one. However, I make sure I am also reading up on all of the other types and I listen to every single Personality Hacker. Understanding more than just your type is key but writing about YOUR type can help the world. I encourage you, if you are not an INFJ, to write about your type and feel free to link it in the comments, as we need more personal stories on other types out there:) **

The Duality- Caught Between Logic and Feeling:

A phrase in Fun's song, "We are Young" croons, "Tonight we are young, so let's set the world on fire, We can burn brighter, than the sun." I love this song. But each time I hear that line, even after years of it being on my favourites playlist, I am plagued with my duality of thought. On one hand I think, "YES!! Let's burn bright." Then I proceed to picture myself running with those I love, in the perfect outfit, and dancing in the honeyed hue of just before twilight, smiling as the song bursts from all of our mouths in unison. My heart speeds up in anticipation of doing something youthful and memorable. The other part of me wishes to warn everyone I know that burning brighter than the sun does not have to be a magnificent, epic, Hollywood gesture. It can be as simple as a sick person resting into their convalescing season, or a depressed soul managing to brush their teeth, or a parent basking in the delight of their children's milestone...setting the world on fire varies depending on the moment and what one is capable of. My heart slows down with the logical realization that I am already burning bright by being who I am. But then I get caught up in the rest of the song which means singing loudly and feeling the urge to do something spontaneous and loud, while many other thoughts carousel in my mind.

See what happens to my INFJ brain with ONE sentence of song lyrics? I am torn into my two opposing sides, both of which the thoughts play in my brain simultaneously, of rational thinking, and epic romance. I think this is part of the reason why the TV series Glee spoke to me and is still my 'feel good/ go to show' when I am struggling or needing inspiration. Most INFJ's may not feel the same way, because my experience is based on upbringing, but hang in here with me, while I explain why this brings home an example of INFJ thinking.

A Glee Example:
Glee (Seasons 1.5 - 3- My favourite character and the meaningful storylines that hit harder for me do not come until Blaine enters the picture in 2.6.) brought to life all the music, movies, film, and dance numbers I grew up on and was obsessed with and combined it with hard hitting issues (as the series progressed) of acceptance, teen pregnancy, bullying, abuse, being a minority, religion, hypocrisy, drugs, suicide, alcohol, sex, commitment, texting and driving, inequality, ableism, and many other worthy themes. Ironically, sometimes it was done in a sacrilegious or sarcastic tone. Sometimes it was harsh with the material and other times incredibly gentle. All mental conditions or minority stances spoken on the show, were given both respect and awareness, yet also dark jokes and mean spirited comments, which equalized many disabilities, differences, and mental illness with both a dark and light approach. All were up for defending and also up to the same treatment. This is what INFJ's often will encompass- a sense of darkness and light, or seriousness in a funny situation or laughter in a serious situation. (Although many INFJ's could be adverse to Glee:) We have a dark sense of humour and can laugh at seemingly cruel things if presented in a certain harmless way, yet we are compassionately engaged with the innocence of difference and often will be found fighting for the underdogs.
Many INFJ's who did not grow up like I did, may not enjoy Glee. Glee did not always make sense from the week to week standpoint. The writing wasn't fluid from show to show. As I watch the episodes post production, I can appreciate that aspect now, knowing that my expectations have already been disappointed in some cases and exceeded in others. Episodes that used to bother me, I can now enjoy. Some episodes I still skip over entirely but it doesn't really matter in the end. Some episodes I watch for the singing, and others I watch for the overarching theme of the week and skip some songs. It appeals to my hopeless romantic and unrealistic side and indulges it...because often the side I choose to live in the day to day is my logical realistic one. Yet, it also pulls the heart strings with it's episodic lessons or real world issues.
Glee is morally and ethically complex. If it doesn't trigger or bother a person in one episode, it will most likely do so at least once a season. At the same time, viewers who stick with it into later seasons, will also find that this same triggering aspect can happen for comfort and feelings of belonging. This is most likely, the experience most people have being friends with an INFJ. We can be challenging and comforting simultaneously. INFJ's can push the envelope simply by being ourselves. There are comforting segments of Glee, that have made my mostly Glee disliking husband leak a few tears, because he is deeply touched, when I force him to sit and watch. This complex duality is like my INFJ soul. "I'm an odd combination of 'really sweet' and 'don't mess with me.'"

INFJ Contradictions- No Better Friend- No Worse Enemy:

As INFJ's we are capable of making a person feel the most understood, but we can also tear that same person down with our words of insight, if we decide to use them as weapons instead of soothing balms. This contradiction can confuse those around us. We can be mushy and tough all at once. Atticus wrote, "She wore a smile like a loaded gun." This applies to an INFJ woman. We make loyal and life changing friends, to the people we actually allow to come close enough to our inner realms of friendships, but we can also be formidable enemies.

Although it takes a lot to push us to enemy status of which I wrote about HERE. INFJ's are capable of whirling through anger and leaving behind a bit of devastation they deeply regret later. This can especially happen if triggered by ignorance and lack of compassion. Conflict and criticism can drive us to the brink of annoyed crazy. My husband has a habit of being a pot stirrer. He can thrive off of conflict and I have had to tone down my balking reaction to this aspect of his ENFP soul. He has also had to learn to tone down his conflict seeking adventures when I am around. We balance each other out on most days but sometimes our differences ignite sparks. He is also quite the pessimist despite his bubbly persona and he can criticize in reckless abandon when he wishes. I seem serious and sometimes brooding, but surprisingly cling to optimism when it comes to the priorities nearest to my heart and belief in the world. Nothing will make me more irritated than constant criticism or idle gossip (luckily he is NOT an idle gossip.) If I hear more than three criticisms in an hour I will start snapping at him. And then, ironically, if this continues to happen for more than half a day, I will turn my irritation on HIM and criticize him with soulless detail. It never ends well. "INFJ no better friend, no worse enemy."

Luckily, to counter balance this hidden sinister darkness inside, INFJ's have epic levels of self control. This control is usually checked from learning the hard way in our past, that our zinging perceptions, when targeted, can cause us more pain in the end then we bargained for. INFJ's can usually refrain from and harness our capability of ripping the soul out of our victim with our insight filled words. If we do give in to our anger, usually we are not relieved later, and feel awful for losing control and inflicting pain. We are at our best when life is in harmony, including our interactions. We probably relive and reopen the wounds more than most of our victims of temper, for years later, into the late hours of the night...this applies even to the times when the anger was justified. I work on this factor of myself with appropriate boundaries.

INFJ and Boundaries:
Boundaries are deeply needed for INFJ's. Usually we are not very good at them until we practice, practice, practice. We also often have to learn to accept what Brene Brown coined, "Our shame stories." We are hard on ourselves sometimes, even if it seems that INFJ's are full of themselves...We just know ourselves and our gifts. There is the flip side and we have the other side that needs a lot of work. We can seem to have insight into all other people but ourselves at times. It's a character trait that demands growth for the INFJ's. Two books that helped me on this subject were "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown and "Necessary Endings" by Henry Cloud Townsend. (Links can be found in my Library.)

Our paradoxes also reach into our intelligence. We love to research, intuitively seek out information, and build up our resources. Yet, the more we become informed, the less we fit in. Already we feel the contradicting frustration of society not understanding us, yet loving that we are unique enough to rarely be understood. We both love and hate our own contradictions. Our lives are enhanced and disenchanted by our own duplicity. Our desire to be well informed is also at odds (like the cartoon expresses below) with our 'desire to remain sane.' We are so contradictory to most of society, that the more we engage in controversial or outside the box thinking, the more alien we feel. 

Aldous Huxley wrote," The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline to the religion of solitude." This rings true for INFJ's and INTJ's although, I disagree with the quote applying to all of humanity. While it is true that solitude takes out the influences of the dumb, zombie mass mentality factor, there have been MANY brilliant original and powerful minds that have also been Extroverts. To not factor this in, would be pretentious and discriminatory to those who get energy hits off of other people (Extroverts.)

INFJ's tend to LIVE the Matrix. That show never shattered my reality or was mind blowing to me, because I already felt that way about life. I've always rebelled at the nature of normality. I don't understand why Alice went home after Wonderland. Yet, I still have to BE in this world, so some information or thought processes, I have to smother to stay sane, in the place I am supposed to be alive in. I possess a stubborn quality simply because I was born into a life that requires a participation level I think is ridiculous.

Every personality type feels that they are a paradox sometimes, but INFJ's particularly feel like they ARE the living paradox. Even within our Introversion, iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging explanations, we encompass opposing traits.

I= Introversion. INFJ is the most Introverted type though often Ironically Mistaken as Extrovert:

Our Introversion is counterbalanced by our sometimes outgoing nature. We are often mistaken for Extroverts even if we are one of the types that craves hermit status the most. We ironically treat people the way we want to be treated and we don't make small talk with them. We are drawn to humanity...when we do not have to engage with the masses. We think about people ALL the time; dissecting, analyzing, observing, understanding and wishing to make the world a better place without being noticed too much. Yet, as soon as we are around a bunch of people, our inner Loki comes out. I can see how Loki, the god of mischief in Norse mythology, became so intent on ruling...his twisted burden of purpose is an example of the rare case of INFJ evil that COULD happen, if we don't use our superpowers for good. I think most INFJ's would agree with the statement to humanity that, "The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, identity."- Loki. How INFJ's come to terms with this realization pushes us either deeper into the shadows or a step into the brighter light.

N= Intuitive. INFJ's Can SEEM sensory...but we are all in our head...

Our sensory aspect is so underdeveloped that we can seem highly sensory. The Intuitive letter is always our highest scoring description. We are definitely N's, however, our moderation demands our attention. We have to practice the middle ground. I have always been a person of extremes. I sleep way too much to counter balance my insomniac life. I work faster and harder than my husband at times and then lazily contend with the best couch potato for days of inactivity. I feel everything or nothing. I fall hard or resist to the proverbial death. Our Sensory is our three year old process and often our downfall.

Our F acts more like a T:

We are often logical even though our feeling quotient is high. We make our decisions based on logic but we are extroverted feeling with the interactions of the world. See THIS functional stack for more details in this regard. We empathize deeply but with an analytical approach. It's a cold feeling rationality that other feelers do not fully get. Actually, almost all personality types, other than our fellow INTJ's, don't understand this logical rational quality combined with our feeling status. We layer our coldness with warmth which the thinkers (T's) can not fully relate to either.

J= Planned flexibility:

Our Judging quality can often come across as a Perceiving type. We have moments of adaptability and spontaneity that some Perceivers can't even understand. My husband knows I like to plan everything. Truthfully, even my spontaneity is planned, in the sense that I have thought the whole spontaneous event quickly through with it's benefits and consequences, and I am ready to quickly switch gears. I can procrastinate longer than my ENFP husband, when I get in the mood, which is saying a lot.

Interacting with the Types that Understand Us Most:

No wonder people get confused by INFJ's. INFP's feel we are too contradictory or fluctuating based on context, which often will conflict with their sense of authenticity. Yet, out of all the types, they often relate to us the most. INTJ's get our future orientated thinking and intuitive perspectives, but our feeling aspect throws them for a loop at times or seems wishy washy... ENFJ's our are sister types but are way kinder than us. ENFJ's have our backs but find us harsh and blunt. ISTJs often feel like our people- they are quirky in a subtler way and secretly find our quirks and truthfulness refreshing. ENFP's are often our better halves. They bring out our balance and we bring out theirs. Truthfully, any personality type can get along with another or understand to a point, but these types tend to get an INFJ more within these aspects.

INFJ Trust Issues, Detectives of Lies, Observing Details:

Unfortunately, INFJ's also tend to notice what people don't want noticed. We notice the inner unspoken details, the hypocrisy, and the lies.

Especially the lies. The picture below expresses this well. "INFJ -when you know someone is lying but you just sit there and let them talk." And then proceed to allow them to carry on their lie for the rest of their lives if they wish, because you understand why they are lying and also understand the freedom of portrayal and speech. With the exception of the times when these lies are causing harm to others...and even then, the INFJ will go about exposing these lies behind the scenes, with calculated timing...but they KNOW. Oh they know...except for the rare time that their naiveté clouds perception. However, usually this is discovered down the line because it's also unlikely an INFJ is mislead for long, due to gut intuition. The one type that is often able to confuse an INFJ the most, is our polar opposite...ESTP's can foil our sense of stability like no other...besides another INFJ ( if we can’t type another easily or find them especially cold at first they are probably another INFJ..) 

INFJ's Seem to be an Open Book but are Full of Closed Doors. The Layers of an INFJ:

Our contradictions also bleed into how others perceive us. INFJ's can seem like an open book full of information, and private details given with careless abandon. Certain personality types do not even speak about topics in such depth in one lifetime, that we do in one week. That is just the tip of the ice burg of thought for an INFJ. It's both a curse and a gift. Our minds are constantly swirling with information. We are continually changing and dedicated to personal growth. Which means it is rare that information yesterday is completely relevant for our tomorrows. We have layers of intimacy and layers of privacy that most do not understand. INFJ's implement weird rules for sharing. We are picky about which platforms we share on and which we completely ignore. It is different for each INFJ although, often we are attracted to similar platforms. Most INFJ's love blogging and pinning personality pins on Pinterest. The same rules we apply on social forums can apply to people. We share certain aspects of ourselves with certain types. Who we are depends heavily on context. People think they know us well from reading or witnessing a passionate speech, hearing our whispered confession in consolatory moments, or because of the rate and depth of information we share, but most people do not truly know or understand our inner workings. Even when we give them the key.

Craig Thompson wrote, "You have so many layers, that you can peel away a few and everyone is so shocked or impressed that you are baring your soul, while to you it's nothing, because you know you've got at least twenty more layers to go."  My husband can still be surprised by my actions or nuances of being, even though I give him the running monologue on my inner workings daily. My best friend and I STILL have interesting and engaging conversations about new thoughts, patterns or insights after thirteen years of speaking an average of five hours a week on the phone. Many people in the past assumed they knew me because I handed them little bits of information to understand, at a small capacity or because I felt I owed them at least some sort of explanation. The fact is, INFJ's understand contradictions so well, that we can change our minds in an instant. What once applied in one circumstance, does not apply to us in another. Many people see this as uncommitted, selfish, or inauthentic, but we are extremely authentic individuals dedicated to the selfless act of context within a committed moment.

We COULD win arguments, and we know this to the depth of our core, but we know that the complexity in which our arguments hold up our not worth the time of our opponents. They would have to know all the research, thought and perspectives we have spent decades thinking upon and honing in on to understand, thus we usually stay quiet, smile and nod, or just utter, "agree to disagree" or "Oh that could make sense" with a polite tone. To our friends, we will give a little bit more, but still we do not go into the wealthy amounts of information because we do not wish to waste their time with thoughts that are not theirs to engage with, in the first place...we can open doors but we do not wish to start new worlds for people. Their job is to walk through the door and create their own worlds.

Weak Sensory Issues:

We can also look very incapable. Our sensory aspect is often so underdeveloped that we can become mute, silly phrased individuals in a sensory environment. Our superpowers go undercover and we are left with all of our incapabilities, to which there are many, at the same intense degree of our gifts. Just like our gifts can seem larger than life, our weaknesses also are.

INFJ's are also intensely sexual, but based on depth of connection, because of our sensory overload factor. For once sensory overload is used for good in intimate circumstances. We like physical affection but on our terms. INFJ's can seem touchy but we dislike casual hugs or touch. The same way we dislike chit chat. It feels cheap to us, even if we understand that to other personalities it is highly valuable. We engage for the sake of others we care about, but in general we are a walking contradiction when it comes to intimacy and the ground rules apply, once again, based on circumstance. For instance, I adore hugs from my children and snuggles, but if they approach me in an in depth/ thought moment I may lightly push them away.

 INFJ's are constantly torn. 

We wouldn't have it any other way but sometimes this brings us more pain in life. Like the meme expresses below;
"The INFJ thought process. Ni: I want to find the one true answer....Fe....in a way that maintains general harmony... Ti: without swaying too much from what feels logical... Se: while trying not to completely miss what is going on right now."

Yup.

 "INFJ If I am silent, it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, It depends. May the odds be ever in your favour." As Meredith Brooks sings, "I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one..." and "I hate the world today...I'm your hell, I'm your dream. I'm nothing in between...you know you wouldn't want it any other way... Just when you think, You've got me, figured out, the seasons already changing...Tomorrow I may change and today won't mean a thing..." But for the record, today, while it is happening, matters to us. We feel the moment even if we are distracted by our ever intrusive thoughts. We may be future orientated, but we also strive to be in the moment, when we can, embracing life. Another paradox.

My biggest hit on my blog is about the INFJ magic and oddness found here; http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2016/01/infj-magic-oddnessthe-door-slam-and.html 

A post about INFJ Boundaries:

INFJ- If I cut you Off- Chances are I handed you the Scissors.

 I wrote a post based on the insights of Michael Pierce's video on INFJ and include many of his quotes from the video segment here: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2016/10/infj-michael-pierce-video-segment.html

This is a great article on INFJ compatibility: http://psychologyjunkie.com/2015/10/21/are-you-compatible-infjs-and-relationships/

16 personalities: https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

Kiersey: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/counselor.asp

I also LOVED this site and found every word accurate: http://personalityjunkie.com/the-infj/ and this one: http://infjunraveled.tumblr.com

To read more: https://culturaldisasters.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/the-elusive-infj/ (there is also a test link on there to clarify if you are an INFP or INFJ) and here are many of my favourite INFJ pins :https://www.pinterest.com/KAlluraMarie/infj-personality-infps-intj-quotes/ and https://www.pinterest.com/KAlluraMarie/infj-article-links-and-mbti-charts/

 Personality hacker has podcasts and videos on each type. Here is a few of their INFJ links:

http://www.personalityhacker.com/resources-infj/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=630ikWb61cs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88atj7wAtKs

http://www.personalityhacker.com/podcast-episode-0034-infj-personality-type-advice/

InFJ versus INFP: http://www.personalityhacker.com/infp-vs-infj/

 Song choice: I love this version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun on Glee because the way it is done is kind of like an INFJ soul...contradictions between lyrics and music yet aptly accurate:

My daughter also said I had to add this song because it reminds her of me. LOL.:

and because I referenced " We are Young" in the first part of the post...I prefer this version over Fun's actually, which is rare for me to prefer the copy over original...

After 15 Years Married and 16 Years Together/ Their Finest/ Learning to Embrace Life During Precarious Times.

To date, this was one of the toughest years of our married life together. Although I can think back to three separate years that almost tie for this one in a different way...Three crucially diverse struggles which differed from this year. Each in a different category. One I can not speak about, one was financial and was harder on both of us together (instead of driving us apart like the others did) due to poverty, and one was because of my Autism diagnosis. Those were tough years. We even briefly separated for awhile, not out of home, but in home, because of deep issues during one of those harder times long ago. This year was completely different, yet probably had more trauma packed into one year than we have ever experienced before. But I think it was good, to have previous experience with picking up the pieces of a married life in the past to build upon, with a year as devastating as this was.

Here we are, passed our 15 anniversary, and still best friends for the most part, even if it has taken me months to be able to say that statement truthfully. We are still healing. Still becoming. Still learning how to be together healthily once again with our new growth selves. I will admit that it took me three days alone with my husband to adjust to knowing what to do with him when alone. It has never been like that before. I could always just talk to him, or hang out and do my own thing, or find some fun for the two of us, when we were alone...but this year the children were a buffer for me. It was odd not having them around and I felt desperately in need of them. But after three days, we began to find our old groove again. A week later, and I am feeling the start of something new but I AM still adjusting. It's a new phase in our relationship. We are learning how to BE, separately and together, once again. Happily Ever After has happened and will again, but there are moments when the story gets a re set. This is one of those times.

For those new to our journey, we married young. See THIS  and THIS  post for more context and for posts written during the good times.  THIS is why we changed our last name together, and to me, shows more of a window into our married life than most posts do, in how different we are together.

I was sick once again for our Anniversary... the week we were supposed to have off together tragically turned into a week that I mostly spent fluctuating between crying, being sick or lying in bed exhausted...and my husband just read beside me or puttered around the house. Luckily, we are also used to me being sick. My husband knew what he was getting into when he dated me as I was in emergency a lot back then. We didn't know I had Celiac and my regular foods were slowly poisoning me, and we didn't know I had Lyme. Both are newer (as in the last few years) adjustments for us, but the knowledge helps our story. I have been constantly Anemic since I was 12 ( it fluctuates from serious to not.) I was sick the week leading up to our wedding and sick the day of with the stomach flu. Or so we thought. But interestingly enough I have been sick EVERY year the same week and sometimes a full month of parts of late June and early July, with the same symptoms and reactions. We are starting to wonder if there is a common factor we need to discover in this. If there is a Lyme trigger as a toxin in sprays outdoors, or allergies or foods I wouldn't eat otherwise...My husband was not shocked when I was admitted to E.R. AGAIN, after months of avoiding the hospital for myself despite multiple doc's appointments, the night before our anniversary. I didn't get home until three in the morning. I was a zombie on Benadryl for the following day, and when my tongue actually stopped feeling like a pound of brick, I needed time to be able to eat without paranoia and rest. So I forgot again, even though our 15th was high on my radar this year and the children were spending the week at my mother's. I was confused when there were flowers on the table and I thought they were because I was in the hospital, which was touching...then I realized they were for another anniversary that I was unprepared for.

I always say that I am lucky a marriage isn't a wedding...or an anniversary. All 15 have been miserable for me. But the day to day stuff between my husband and I? Most of that is worth celebrating or at least acknowledging. Maybe my weird health conundrums also give gifts? Turns out we have an additional week alone together. My iron is the lowest it has ever been and my cell size is tiny. Luckily, a Hematologist flagged my results and I am getting tested in six weeks for some odd, rare condition. I also have a stellar therapist who is also an MD who has taken regular care of me, something that is crucial to my well being. But I have finally adjusted to a few days without my children and now am in the beginnings of being able to rest, catch up on other aspects of life, and rest some more. My mom agreed to take the kids for awhile longer, and while I miss them and go visit them almost every day, my brain and my body needs this. I only am separated from my kids once every year or two, so I guess it is ok.

My husband jokingly remarked that I am like a Wring Wraith from LOTR...when I should be fainting or hospitalized as many are with my iron, ferritin and blood cell size levels according to online forums, I trudge through with this otherworldly stamina. Like I am already dead. Yet, I am SO TIRED, but I can look like I am functioning at average. I am not believed until my blood work is facing a professional and then they still will often be shocked. But this is what I love about my husband. He actually admires me for what I think is the pits. He actually thinks my struggles make me strong. He is often my best cheerleader and health advocate. He feeds me and reminds me to eat or sleep or even grab a sweater because my limbs are freezing in plus 25 degree weather. I shiver and develop goose bumps but I never remember to actually DO something about it. He asks me every night if I have taken my Iron or Vitamin D. He tells me to jump in a hot shower if I can't get warm or feel punched all over. He is often my radar for comfort in the outer world. He has become a part of my executive functioning and adapted to replacing aspects of myself that I struggle in. He is another part of my adaptive living as well as a friend and lover. I think that says a lot about our years together.

And I know I am good for him too. I know he would not have gotten through this year without me. In fact, he may not have lived. That is not an overstatement. There is a line in the film "*Their Finest" that speaks about not allowing depression or unease take the joy out of life and not to give "death dominion over life." That is what I cling to every day. It is what I have fought for this year. It helps that for my husband and I, our strengths balance out our weaknesses and this has served us well. He is my humour once again, and has always been before this year, and I am his light. His perspectives are more laid back which aid me in taking life less seriously, and my perspectives are deep enough for him to prod into the inner workings of his psyche. We are a team that has never had any interest in being a tragedy or a love story for the ages like Romeo and Juliet or Cleopatra and Anthony ect. Instead we want to be one of those couples that are never really celebrated but have a love that is kept spicy, strong yet average, in it's natural every day love.

Life WILL have hardships and it is natural for us to drift apart, be un-attracted to each other at different times, or grow apart....but it IS possible to come back home to each other, suddenly fall back into attraction, and grow back together. In the past it has taken patience, time, dedication, loyalty, awareness, commitment and communication. In the future it will require the same skills and time.

In "Their Finest" this phrase particularly stood out to me, "It seems to me that life is so precarious and it would be a shame to waste it." Yes! A resounding and heartfelt yes! I turned to my husband and kissed him. Because I believe that. EVERY DAY. It is why I rarely stay mad at those I love for long. It's why I say "I love you" each time he leaves, I leave, I go to sleep or even after a fight. It is why I refuse to allow bitterness to rule. I give myself sufficient time to address proper emotions, but I don't wallow. It is why I do not allow myself to be burdened heavily by guilt for long. Instead I embrace life and savour the love I DO have. 

Partially this is due to health. It has been engrained in me since childhood. I have always struggled with sensory issues and disease undiagnosed until recently. Long term suffering that came and went. Pain unexplained but still vividly real. One day I was fine, the next hour I was in ER, and perhaps the afternoon after, I was happily running errands again. That is life with disease, chronic illness and sensory overload. And it can go two ways. One can either allow it to defeat, or be more determined when the good moments come to LIVE. What do I do when I am in so much pain? I pretend I am my future self and this self speaks to me, "K this will pass. Either by death or by time...and one way or another you will be out of it. So think of that moment. I am the you from that moment.You WILL get through this. You will have another phase." And if I am lucky enough, as I have been time and time again, to have some healthy or happy or at least struggling yet manageable good moments, I wish to not waste that time.

Time has always been precious to me. Especially ordinary time. Because ordinary means that there is contentment, a sense of coziness or at least an absence of trauma. Or perhaps there is pain, depression and struggle...and that precarious nature drives home the moments in between. At least, in my experience I have found this. And I think that is the gift I give my husband. He witnesses what most do not in my life. He sees me get up again and again. I often will deliver that line in different forms as a reminder that some freak accident could take any one of us- so what are we going to do with NOW?He sees me say, "Yes it is hard. It is pain but that does not diminish that there is beauty somewhere. And I will find it and enjoy it again." That spectacular now is the reason I stick through the bad times with my husband. I know deep down, that we are FOR each other and we have something special. Why would I wish to go through all this again with someone else who may not even get to the phases we have? Why would I wish to find a different sort of suffering? I also realize that not everyone has what we have, and they need to leave the situation, but for us, it has not come to that yet. The hard times are there of course, but I would rather travel the tough roads with him or apart for awhile, to meet up again, and revive the soul love we have. So I wait, or I fight, or I even give in to defeat slightly for a time but I never fully give up. Normal human emotion deserves legitimacy, and some circumstances truly do deserve time, but I try to honour that whilst still minimizing what I can to savour what IS. 

My husband has been my greatest beauty but also my greatest heartache. This year he provided more than enough heart pain to almost render me in to the depths of despair. Yet, he was still worth everything I could manage to show up with. He has picked me up in the past when I didn't think I could fight. This year he was broken. Not as an excuse to be less than he could be, but legitimately in need of help. Now he is getting back to himself, and now it is my turn to fall apart a bit...and I kind of have. Still, my soul is ever green. It may be wilted but the soil of my soul is ready to sow seeds of growth, even in the barren waste of depressed existence when I am unsure how to even show up as a person. Trudge on through. Become what IS. We still have had some beauty this year. Three gorgeous beauties are in our constant care to nurture and live life with. This I do not intend to waste.

He gives me euphoria and he leaves me sobbing in the closet. But mostly, in general day to day life, he gives me the gifts of normalcy and ordinary. Contented boredom thrown into daily chores, chosen schedules, minimal requirements, and plenty of time to love, savour and BE together. This is what I wish to focus on this anniversary. This is what I celebrate. This is what I hope to still have, if we are lucky enough to live another fifteen years together. 

The Good Witch recently had a Wedding Episode and I loved the little dialogue at the Wedding Ceremony;
"They're about to say I Do. Three little letters. Two little words. It's the simplest part of the day. But there is nothing simple about the things that remain unsaid. I do means...I do know I could be hurt but I am ready to be healed with you. It means I do want to try even when the fear of failure holds me back. And I do not know the future, but I am ready to be surprised along the way. And I do means, I do want your love, and I do give you mine. And nothing we will do will ever be the same because you and I will be doing it all together."

What a lovely tribute it is to be ready to be healed together...Happy Belated Anniversary love. You are part of me. An aspect of my soul that inspires and infuriates but mostly PROVIDES...love, pain, practical needs, joy, comfort...thank you for that provision of self and giving of all that you are. For showing up when you barely thought you could. I love you. Let em say we are "crazy because I don't care about that. Put your hand in my hand baby and don't ever look back. Let the world around us, fall apart. Maybe we can make it if we are heart to heart."

Golden Leaves by Passenger sums up this year best: "Do you remember how this first begun?

Teeth were white and our skin was young, Eyes as bright as the Spanish Sun. We had nothing we could hide.Now my dear we are two golden leaves,Clinging desperately to winter trees, Got up here like a pair of thieves, While the sirens blare outside. What's left to say when every word's been spoken?. What's left to see when our eyes won't open?. What's left to do when we've lost all hope and What's left to break when our hearts are broken? But sometimes...Do you remember how this started out? So full of hope and now we're filled with doubt. A dirty joke we used to laugh about, But it's not funny anymore. I fear I choke unless I spit it out. Still smell of smoke, although the fire's gone out. Can't live with you, but I die without. So what's left to say when every word's been spoken? What's left to see when our eyes won't open?What's left to do when we've lost all hope and What's left to break when our hearts are broken?...But sometimes

I thought of this song because I referenced 'Everyday Love'...thus Rascal Flatts and a throw back to the 2000's Country  "Each morning the sun shines through my window. Lands on the face of a dream come true. I shuffle to the kitchen for my coffee. And catch up on the front page morning news.Then she walks up behind me and throws her arms around my neck.Just another normal thing I've come to expect. It's ordinary plain and simple,Typical, this everyday love.Same 'ol, same 'ol keeping it new (Same 'ol this everyday love).Emotional, so familiar.Nothing about it too peculiar Oh, but I can't get enough.Of this everyday loveEvery afternoon I make a phone call.Listen to the voice that warms my heart.I drag myself through a few more hours..Then head on home to try and beat the dark. Her smile will be right there when I step through that door. And it will be that way tomorrow, just like everyday before. Wouldn't change one single thing about it

No, it's run-of-the-mill, still I can't live with-out it"

*I was surprised at 'Their Finest' rating that was 14A. It is enjoyable but there are two brief war scenes as well as a top frontal of a woman (which one sees approaching but seems a bit out of the proper feeling of the story) which was generally refreshing and lovely otherwise but also slightly traumatic... watch at own risk,

Lyrics to Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now- Starship. One of my favourite songs for us.; "Looking in your eyes I see a paradise. This world that I've found is too good to be true. Standing here beside you, want so much to give you.This love in my heart that I'm feeling for you Let'em say we're crazy, I don't care about that. Put your hand in my hand baby don't ever look back. Let the world around us just fall apart. Baby we can make it if we're heart to heart And we can build this thing together, Stand this stormy weather, Nothings gonna stop us now, And if this world runs out of lovers, We'll still have each other, Nothing's gonna stop us, Nothing's gonna stop us now I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you, Whatever it takes I will stay here with you, Take it to the good times, see it through the bad times. Whatever it takes here's what I'm gonna do Let 'em say we're crazy, what do they know
Put your arms around me baby don't ever let go. Let the world around us just fall apart. Baby we can make it if we're heart to heart And we can build this thing together. Stand this stormy weather. Nothing's gonna stop us now. And if this world runs out of lovers. We'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us, Nothing's gonna stop us now Oh, all that I need is you. All that I ever need
And all that I want to do. Is hold you forever, and ever and ever And we can build this thing together
Stand this stormy weather..."